An Open Letter to Don Ferguson a.k.a. Zen Gardner

By Bernhard Guenther, August 19th, 2016, 

Over the past week I have received many messages from people asking me about Zen Gardner’s recent “confession”. He was a member of the Children of God (The Family) cult for 27 years, including being in leadership position.

I have kept quiet over the past week since the news broke and wanted to talk to Zen personally about it since I had some questions. I have “known” Zen since April this year. He liked my work, reposted some of my blogs on his site and I was on his “Now and Zen” show in May. We stayed in contact, changed a few Skype messages and had two Skype video chats. The last time I talked to him via Skype was when he was in Spain last month, hanging out with my friend Benny Wills (from Joy Camp) and others.

I was quite shocked when I first read his article “My Missing Years”. At first I was glad to see that he shared this hidden aspect of his personal life and opened up. It triggered empathy and compassion within me. However, as I was doing more research into the COG cult and also discovered why and how his “confession” actually came about, many things he talked about (and especially the way he handled it) didn’t add up. There was a lot of avoidance, white-washing and not addressing big questions that sit like multiple “elephants in the living room”.

At first I tried to connect with him via Skype, offering my support but also pointing out that I had questions and I felt his articles (especially the second one “A Few Replies”) were coming from a victim/avoidance/missionary stance, lacking sincere accountability and full disclosure. I also connected with Benny to talk about this situation since we both know (or knew) Zen personally (although I never met him in person). We both tried to confront him on some questions we had via Skype message and wanted to talk to him in person eye to eye via Skype. He dodged and avoided our questions and kept responding with “testimonials” of other people who support him during this time. He never made an effort to connect with us via Skype video.

This led me to write a long email to him, being very direct as I would be to any “friend” who’d be in the same situation. In my view good “friends” call each other out when needed to help each other grow. I was not interested in ego-stroking him and “showering” him will all kinds of New Age/Pop-spiritual lingo as I saw so many of his fans do in the comment section of his two articles. The lack of critical thinking and not spotting the obvious red flags by so many people was actually sad and shocking to see. However, I’m also not interested in a public “which hunt” and just screaming out “sick Pedophile” or “Sociopath” as I have seen some people do as well. I wanted to be direct but also supportive and help him to come fully “clean”.

I sent the email to him four days ago (and a copy to Benny as well since he helped me with this email and agrees with everything written in it) and haven’t heard back from him since then. Sadly and very telling he only wrote Benny a message yesterday with ANOTHER testimonial of someone else stating how great of a guy Zen is and AGAIN dodging Benny’s simple and direct questions, while Benny tried to refer to the email I sent him. Since then he also has not replied to any of Benny’s questions.

I think it says a lot that he didn’t even message me after I sent this email (even just to acknowledge that he received it) in which I expressed that I wanted to talk to him face to face; but instead he tried to convince my friend Benny that he’s such a “great guy” who is exposed to an “unfair witch-hunt”, telling him that he simply doesn’t remember everything that happened (if that is not a red flag, then I don’t know what is). The continuing excessive need for validation from others is also a huge and big red flag in itself, let alone the avoidance of answering simple and direct questions from people he knows personally, calling us “friends” and “brothers”.

The reason why I make this email public here (with minor edits due to privacy and for context) has various reasons.

For one, it basically answers the many questions I have received from other people about my “opinion” and stand on that issue.

Secondly, I need to do this out of my own conscience and be very open and clear about it. The last few days have been hard on me to digest all the research I’ve done into the COG cult and the “betrayal”/disillusionment I experienced, realizing that I really do not know who the persona Zen Gardner is. Part of me didn’t want to get into it all or even write this blog but just let “others” deal with it since the cat is out of the bag anyway. I just wanted to keep focusing on my own work. I also didn’t want to fuel a “witch hunt” against Zen Gardner and also give him time to respond to my email.

However, as I was taking some time for myself, staying off the computer for a few days and just letting the information digest within me, contemplating and meditating on it, I got the strong message from within that I do need to make this public statement and let it all out. I can’t stand on the sideline about this. It’s like my conscience doesn’t leave me any other choice and I tried the best I could to speak to Zen in person to no avail. I also consulted with a few friends besides Benny for some feedback (to check my own possible blind spots and/or reactive behavior) and I also sent them the email I sent to Zen. All of them agreed with what I wrote and encouraged me to post it publicly, especially since there are some issues addressed that most of his “followers” don’t seem to see or address or “don’t want to see”.

In the end it ties into what I wrote about in my last essay. We are in the times of “unveiling” and “splitting” as the dark is coming to light to be transmuted and transcended and there is no hiding from it. There have also been other synchronicities and signs in my life over the past week, confirming that this is the right step to take. Some people, including Zen Gardner himself, will maybe see this blog as part of the “which hunt” (while others may even think that I’m too “easy” on him), but I trust that anyone with some grounded and embodied awareness knows and sees the true intention of it in light of the Time of Transition that we are in. One thing I can say for sure, this email/article is not coming from a reactive-projecting place, but from a place of consciously responding, even if I do call a spade a spade as you’ll see and I am very direct in parts. Call it “fiery compassion”.

“Real compassion kicks butt and takes names and is not pleasant on certain days. If you are not ready for this fire, then find a new-age, sweetness and light, perpetually smiling teacher and learn to relabel your ego with spiritual sounding terms. But, stay away from those who practice real compassion, because they will fry your ass, my friend.”

~ Ken Wilber

Thirdly, I realize more and more that all this goes way deeper than most people are aware of and I’m still wrapping “my head” around it as new information is coming out, including possible CIA/MK Ultra connections to the COG cult, tying into SRA since most of these cults (especially when sexual trauma is involved) are also “fronts” for MK Ultra operations (which the cult members/leaders themselves are usually not aware of whatsoever), hence they get away with these kind of “practices” for all these years, because it is being “allowed” from behind the scenes. However, there is no factual confirmation or proof of any of that which I’m aware of as of yet. It affects the so-called “truth movement” (whatever that is anyway in this day and age) in more ways than most people seem to be aware of; let alone looking at it all from a hyperdimensional “archonic” perspective which I haven’t even gotten into (yet).

And lastly, it is also to counter-act this “guilt of association” fallacy/nonsense that seems to go around, affecting many people who have even just talked to Zen or were on his show at some point, which is ridiculous to say the least. I don’t know anyone personally who actually had any idea of Zen’s past, including the ones I know who have been in contact with him personally.

However, my own difficulties of dealing with this topic over the past week (it’s not a pity-plea but simply about stating my own process) is NOTHING compared to the many children that suffered and still suffer as adults under the consequences of being in the COG cult.

Before you continue reading please watch 8 minutes of this video (from 50min to 58min) to see what The Children of God cult does to people and keep in mind that this young woman did NOT have a choice as a young child and didn’t join the cult as an adult as Zen Gardner did, who was a member of it from age 22 until age 49, even in leadership position. If you don’t have tears coming up watching this, then you need to check your ability to actually truly FEEL compassion/empathy as opposed to just an “intellectual” acknowledgement of “compassion”.

What is interesting to note is that this Anthony Robbins documentary apparently just came out last month on Netflix and was just uploaded last week on YouTube. It’s a very interesting “coincidence”/synchronicity in light of the revelations about Zen Gardner, as if there is a “higher force” that wants this information to come to awareness to help make the darkness conscious for healing and transmutation. The video should start at the 49m42s mark if you hit play:

[Added (8/23/2016): 

I just received this message from a woman who was actually at Tony Robbin’s event where Dawn shared her experience/trauma of being in the Children of God cult in the video above. There was way more to it. With her permission, I post her message here (my highlights):

“I watched “I am not your Guru” [documentary] and actually it was fascinating because I was actually at that event. I had no idea it was being taped. I remember each and every person who stood up…and most especially Dawn. Her story was so riveting and powerful it touched all of us deeply as I don’t think anyone could ever forget it. The actual time spent with her and Tony was more like 2 hours and she went into great detail about what happened to her.

This cult was not some run of the mill cult but clearly an organized pedophile ring run for the elite. It was sickening to hear her stories and how these children were soabused and traumatized. She told us the men she was forced to have sex with were high level people in government and society. Like you I had been studying MK and SRA for a few years so I immediately recognized this type of trauma. Still, I was devastated to hear her story.

I just wanted to say that Tony was remarkable in his care for her and he truly did help her transform her life. I have seen him do this with others. He is the real deal. Even though some of his affiliations are suspect…Bill Clinton & others…I don’t believe he knows anything of the evil these people are involved in. I’ve had my suspicions too but I’ve been to Tony’s events and you just can’t fake that kind of sincerity and caring…unless he’s MK too but I don’t think so. This is just the reality of the world ‘they’ have created. But people like all of us can move past it because we know a greater good is coming from it and more exposure to these evil creatures can only bring more truth and peace to the world.

Dawn (Sol) said she was “fucked by a billion fathers” to ‘show her love for Jesus’ and forced to watch her brother and mother be sexuall abused in front of her as well. I will never forget her story or those words. Please don’t feel sorry for ZG he is very very sick and what they did to those kids is unfathomable. Even in the end, Dawn found a way to forgive all of her perpetrators, by working with a guru for several years…who then became sick with cancer and was dying…and he said he wanted her to have sex with him so he could be closer to God. She freaked out and almost killed herself…thats how she ended up at Tony’s…it was her last hope. She sold everything she owned and bought a ticket. Im so glad it worked out for her but these guys are everywhere…its so sad. But thank you for trying to expose this and doing it in a rational and intelligent way. Don’t be afraid to tap into your masculine protective warrior tho that is what is truly needed in this world now more than ever! Thank you!”

Note: Keep in mind that Dawn (Sol) was 24 when she shared this story at Tony’s event recently. So you do the math to see how this cult was still operating in the 90s (and is most likely still operating under different names and disguises).

This ties also into what I mentioned before. There is way more to it than just Zen’s involvement. As another researcher wrote: This whole revelation has a life of its own now. More and more people are researching the topic .

I sincerley hope that others also pick up the leads and do their own research before coming to “defend” ZG so easily. It’s NOT about a witch hunt but about truth and most importunely to HELP people like Dawn.]

So, here’s the email. There are resources for further reading/watching at the end, just a small selection. There is way more out there (and more will come out) but it will get you started to do your own research and make your own conclusions:


Hi Donald,

I’d rather address you by your real name to cut through the “image” of the public “Zen Gardner”. My intention is to write to you as a friend and how I would communicate to any good friend I have who’d be in the situation you are in and the way you have handled it so far. What I write here I’ll also Cc to Benny (he has read it before I sent it anyway). I want it to be completely open between friends. It also comes from a place of support. However, to set the “stage” of my letter to you, I’d like to share this quote, which resembles to me what TRUE friendship is all about between “friends” who are engaged in the same work during these times we are in:

“According to the Great Work, a friend is one in which you support and encourage the other’s expansion in either the mind or the spirit. Otherwise they are people you are sentimentally attached to it because they would eat cinnamon bun with you. And they will say ‘hee, hee, hee’ aren’t we having fun”. Drug addicts do the same thing. Drug addicts want to be around people who will support them and be away from real friends. Do you know why? Because it feels good. To be a member of a mystery school can be catastrophic to the ego and to the ego’s habits and to the propensity for mediocrity. No one ever cried striving for excellence. They only cried when their mediocrity was taken away from them and pointed out to them.”

~ Jerhoam

First of all, when I first read your “My Missing Years” article I was obviously shocked, surprised but also glad that you finally came out of the closet so to speak. It also triggered empathy, compassion, and support for you.

However, there were also certain things you wrote in that article that didn’t sit well with me. So, what I do in this kind of situation is to refrain from judgment (nor answer any questions of people who have contacted me about that) but contacted you via Skype message to talk to you personally face to face (video) and address some questions I have. That hasn’t happened yet and while I understand that you are busy with your life and this whole situation I also sense some “avoidance” in our Skype message interaction, hence my letter to you in a more direct manner.

Since you published your first article about this, I’ve done some research into the Children of God cult. I’ve heard of this cult before but I wasn’t aware to what extent it operates and what it is actually based on. Naively I believed in the past that it was just a hedonistic hippy cult but I had no idea what was truly happening. The sexual molestation/pedophilia aspect is not just a “side show” of this cult, it is literally based on it.

“I practice what I preach. And I preach sex, boys and girls… IT’S A PERFECTLY NORMAL APPETITE like any other appetite. It needs satisfaction just like any other, & you really really really get frustrated if you can’t have it. You can get such guilt complexes, too, for having any. But why did the Lord make you able to have children at the age of 11, 12 & 13 if you weren’t supposed to have sex then?”

~ David “Moses” Berg, founder of Children of God

QUESTION: MY LITTLE BOY (5 YEARS OLD) IS VERY SEXY! He cannot even hug his mother without getting a hard on. So I thought it was bad because it makes him too familiar with his mother if she takes care of him. I believe somebody else would take care of him, but until now, no one in the Home has the burden to do this. What do you, Dad, think of this kind of mother & child relationship?” – Sammy, Europe

ANSWER(David Berg): What’s wrong with it? It’s perfectly natural!—What better person to learn about sex from than his own dear mother? God’s only Law is Love! Are you a jealous father?” (—See Nos.605:4, 779, 782, 815 & SD “My Little Fish”)”

– from http://www.xfamily.org/index.php/Berg_on_Incest and http://www.xfamily.org/index.php/Berg_on_Pedophilia

What characterizes the COG? Sex. From earliest infancy, the cult’s children are taught the basic principle of sexual freedom. Children are encouraged to stimulate each other sexually and to take part in sexual acts with adults.[…]In Brazil the COG found an oasis. Despite the bad publicity generated by the media around ten years ago, the cult has flourished. Members expelled by other countries flee to Brazil, and here the group extends liberties not granted anywhere else — thanks not only to Brazil’s highly permissive society, but also (and principally) to the unrestrictive laws on freedom of worship. Though the AIDS epidemic caused the cult to cut back on some of its extreme sexual practices elsewhere in the world, in Brazil things continued unabated….As noted earlier, Brazil is also a key destination for members in other countries who flee when their activities are threatened or banned.”

– from http://www.xfamily.org/index.php/Christian_Research_Journal:_Inside_the_%22Heavenly_Elite%22

As you said yourself, you were part of it in Brazil as well. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg which you know very well.

I want to point out first how I’ve seen people react to your revelations so far. There are basically two main camps. On the one hand there are people projecting their shadow and go on a “Shame on Zen” witch hunt, calling you Sociopath and Pedophile. On the other side you have many people ego-stroking you (including Jon Rappoport’s message to you. More on that later…) in the comments of your two articles, i.e. offering you “cinnamon buns”. It seems fairly obvious that these people have not done any sincere research themselves into what you were actually involved in and just take what you wrote/said on face value without spotting the many red flags. They also seem to lack basic psychological knowledge since there is a lot one can see “behind” your words.

Reading the comments on your article, most people fall into the latter category. Most of it can be summarized as “spiritual bypassing” or even “spiritualizing” things with New Age lingo, ironically what you accused […] of doing. It also ties into hive mind/group thinking based on your followers who put you on a pedestal and project all kinds of stuff into you. This is very cultish in itself, as if their chosen leader/idol/guru cannot do wrong and if so, he’s being excused right away without further questioning.

I have had a few long phone talks with Benny about this situation. He comes from the same place as I do with the same questions and issues we see in your two recent articles about all that. We both do NOT fall in either camps or black and white approach. There is a third option. Personally speaking I’m not interested in going on a public “shame on Zen” witch hunt, however I’m also not just stroking your ego (as many of your readers do) and just let this go under the “appearance” that you have “come clean” based on these two short “white-wash” articles, nor do I buy into the “spiritual bypass” of “fuck it and onward with the mission” avoidance and self-importance strategy.

I (and others who care for you) want to know the truth and whatever the truth is with all its details and your own involvement based on a 27 year membership (almost half of your life!) in a “sex cult” where you even were in leadership position. To be clear, I would never project hate on you (even if you participated in questionable sex-acts yourself) but you need to truly own it, take accountability, come clean and stop being vague and playing this victim/martyr card that is coming through your articles on that issue. This requires way more than these two short articles, ending with:

“I’m a very free man, free of guilt and shame, and owe no apologies. I’ve paid my dues more times than you could count…….I’m fully committed to doing everything I can to help free a very bound and confused world. Of that I am very proud, and deeply honored to be part of, whatever the cost.”

That is a cop-out and does not speak for your level of awareness and conscience, but more like spiritual bypassing. Pride also only comes from ego and self-importance. The point is not to get stuck in shame/guilt mode but also not avoid any of these unpleasant feelings. So far, your commitment to do “everything I can to help free a very bound and confused world” in particular in light of your two recent “coming clean” articles are just empty words to me that I cannot take serious considering of how you are handling the situation and how you avoid truly owning it and revealing everything WITHOUT playing the victim/martyr card and WITHOUT feeding off of all the superficial “New Age” type support you get from your followers (which doesn’t speak for their level of awareness) which in itself has a cultish undertone to it all as mentioned before.

On a basic psychological level one can see clearly that deep down inside you are very insecure (hence the excessive need for external validation) and have something to hide and there is a dark shadow that still needs to be addressed. In fact, especially your last article has “I’m guilty” written all over, seeing through the words you use (more on that later). If you’d truly had a clear conscience and were “free” as you say, you wouldn’t need all this validation to the point that you send me Jon Rappoport’s message and then even use it in your article to “pamper” yourself up, including another “testimonial” of one of your fans of how great of a person you are.

When I first read Jon’s message you sent me on Skype I was in shock to see that he would write such nonsense. Even though I agree with some people wanting to feed off of your guilt/shame (people in the first category that I mentioned before) as I told you, the rest of it was such a massive ego-stroke with lack of conscience to buffer up the truth and put you falsely “at ease”. I like Jon’s work and he’s done great work, but I also know that he has blind spots, no awareness of deeper workings of the (hyperdimensional) matrix, lack of awareness/knowledge of esoteric self-work in light of soul evolution, nor knowledge about basic psychology apparently.

Benny and other close friends I talked to had the same reaction to Jon’s message and it’s disappointing to see that you actually used it to “prop” yourself up in your last article. Here is Jon’s message from your last article with my comments:

Jon Rappoport: “Here is what I have to say: Under the trying and trapping circumstances, you did what you could. You owe no apologies to anyone.”

How in god’s name would Jon know that “you did what you could”? Have you revealed EVERYTHING to him, talked to him in person, eye to eye?

You do owe an apology, not only to your readers who have deceived (and apparently keep manipulating with they way you handle all this), but more importantly to the hundreds of children (including your OWN) that suffered in that cult, a cult you were part of for 27 years including leadership position. Moreover, you owe it to your own soul in terms of your own soul evolution and embodying “higher frequencies” (the whole point of “awakening”!), which doesn’t happen by merely talking/writing about it or intellectualizing it.

It is very clear that there is lack of embodiment and knowledge is over-riding Being. Ironically, it all ties in with what I wrote in my last essay which you published on your site as well. If you don’t understand all that (the work to be done in the process of “awakening”) and don’t apply it to yourself, how can you write about “Awakening” anything during these times we are in?

“Your voice is strong. It needs no guilt threaded through it.”

Jon doesn’t get it. Has nothing to do with wallowing in guilt. Your “voice” is not real and just empty words as long as you don’t come fully clean and make the darkness conscious.

“The multitudes of people you address every day—the responsibility is on their shoulders to wake up if they can. You’re giving everything you can to bring this about.”

See first point. How can Jon say that you are “giving everything”? How would he know? Just because you have a website with articles on “awakening” and wrote two very short articles about your “confession”? And what about YOUR responsibility?

“If there are nitpickers and “gotcha idiots” out there, ignore them. They have no lives.”

Sounds like I’m a nitpicker and “gotcha idiot” and so is Benny. Thanks Jon, but I have a good life.

“There are many people in this world who ought to confess to what they’ve done and what they’ve failed to do. You are not one of them.”

All I can say is WTF? Seriously?

“You’ve cleared that hurdle. You’re way past that.”

More WTF? How did you clear that hurdle? By these two half-hearted articles you wrote, playing the victim/martyr/missionary for the most part while avoiding obvious issues and questions that sit like multiple elephants in the living room? And past what? Again, does Jon know everything that happened in those 27 years? Does he actually know what COG is? Has he researched it? Is Jon a motivational speaker now, blowing up your ego?

“What we’re dealing with here are the sleeping billions. That’s the target. That’s the work and the game and the cosmic joke. And in the process, we wake up more.”

I recommend to work on your own (inner) awakening process, Jon, because based on what you wrote so far it doesn’t seem that you are really awake nor understand (or embody) what the work actually ENTAILS to become “awake”. Nice savior/missionary-ego as well there, Jon.

“One way or another, people suck on the teat of guilt and use it for their own ends. They need to see a man who won’t. They don’t know that, but that’s what they need.”

Sure, some people do, but that is completely beside the point and does not justify the cop-out you are suggesting here, Jon. Who is “they”? Everyone who has questions as I do?

“You’re on the high, high end of consciousness. Way on the plus end.”

Seriously? I don’t know anyone who is on the “high, high…plus end of consciousness”. Certainly not me. Maybe Gurdjieff or Sri Aruobindo in the recent past but contemporary, no one I know…apparently we have very different ideas about what “high end of consciousness” actually means. Nice ego-stroke too.

“So fuck it, and onward!
– Jon”

…and swallow the pill of “self-calming”.

The first thing to point out is that you made that “confession” not based on a sudden flash of “conscience” or preparation out of your own “free will” but because you were forced to do it. You failed to mention that to your readers and hence were not honest from the get-go.

I wonder how much longer you would have to keep silent if Steve Seymour wouldn’t have confronted you on it. Maybe deep inside you’d also have just wished to never mention this and have hoped that it would all just go away. It’s not going to, for this is the “apocalypse” we are in right now, the “unveiling” and everything from the shadows needs to come out and will be forced to come out, collectively and individually in order to be transmuted through the light of Truth.

“I had to confront the man. I tried to get him to reveal his shameful past without telling him the extent of what I already knew, wanting to protect the initial source as much as possible. But after he failed to open up, I emailed Zen with an ultimatum – either he’d come clean, confess what he’d revealed – or I would do it for him. I felt the fairest thing to do was to give Zen a chance to explain himself – in his words, even though I (and others that know him who I subsequently spoke to) thought “the wordsmith” would try and paint himself to be the hero – and/or play the victim card. His halfhearted attempt can be found here.“

~ Steve Seymour, The Cult of Zen Gardner: A Monster in Disguise

Now I’m not necessarily agreeing with this “blackmailing” approach (but then again I don’t know the details of the interaction between you two and maybe it was necessary to bring the truth to light), however he did give you the chance to come fully clean. In light of everything else I have uncovered about this cult and the little you have shared based on your 27 year involvement in it, even in leadership position, I have to agree with Steve Seymour. It is a half-hearted attempt on your end, regardless who Steve Seymour is, whom you just brushed away as a disgruntled “ex-friend” as you told me. He makes many valid points in his article which need to be addressed. Most importantly this one:

“I will point out though – that you don’t get to be a leader and teacher in such a sick and perverted cult and stay for 27 years without at the very least being aware of the modus operandi, teaching and enforcing the doctrine and by his own admission, having to “share the love” and deal with the jealousy of having his partners do the same.”

And that’s what it comes down to, Don. What have YOU personally seen, witnessed and allowed or even promoted and god-forbid engaged in 27 years? In your article you just brush it off with:

“I was aware there were incidences and went after abuses in the area I was supervising. But I had no idea of the extent it was going on in top leadership and specialized “training centers”, the horrific details of which I later learned about like many others have in the documentaries and books covering detailed incidences which are available online. Brace yourself, there’s some very nasty, tragic stuff.”

“Learned later?” as an adult member/leader in 27 years in a sex cult? You cannot possibly expect me to believe that or anyone else for that matter. I’m ready, bring on the nasty tragic stuff, bring the dark to light and especially YOUR involvement in it without playing the victim/ignorance card. I also would like you to tell me face to face, eye to eye that you had no hand in all that and no idea of the “extent”. Eyes, your energy and body language reveal way more than whatever you type on a computer.

On that note, since our first talk on Skype which I very much enjoyed, as well as our podcast and Skype with Benny and you, I always noticed a certain nervous energy, not grounded, scattered, very head-centric, at times not very present and not embodied (not “Zen” at all). I’m good at reading people to an extent. It’s what I do for a living. But I didn’t say anything since it was none of my business and I cannot just go around telling people what I see through their mask of personality and armor they have built around themselves unless they come for a session to me. An obviously we all have our own masks and shadows since everyone is “wounded” to one degree or another.

I also intuitively knew that there is fear and a deep shadow lurking within you (even possibly entity attachments). Now I know why and what I saw and felt but I certainly didn’t expect these revelations. I’m not denouncing your well-meaning intentions and good-hearted nature that I see as well (or maybe is that a mask as well?). But “intention” is not enough, nor just having a “nice” personality.

Yes, I’m being very direct and calling you out but I’m also here to support. As I said, personally I’m not interested on going on a witch hunt and “burn you at the stake” even if you have molested children or “just” let it happen and knew about it. But there needs to be accountability and full disclosure and destroying the “buffers” that are in the way to truly feel your conscience and tell it all, expose everything without trying to “save face” or your brand name “Zen Gardner” or fear of losing your followers and the money you make off of your site. As long as you are attached to any of that, including what you think your “mission” is, your soul won’t find peace no matter how much you suppress and avoid it. And the soul is all that matters. Nothing else you can take with you.

This also doesn’t happen by posting short articles every other day about this. In fact, if you had true conscience you would put “Zen Gardner” to rest for now, stop posting anything and really go inside and do the work you clearly have not fully done over the past 17 years since you left the cult. If you would have, you wouldn’t have waited for so long to “come out” and it was not even out of your own conscience but because someone else found out and called you out on it. Ironically Steve Seymour is actually doing you a favor, giving you an opportunity. So far you are not handling it very well and I do not care what all your followers praise you with or what Jon Rappoport wrote or anyone else who just says “Beautiful Zen. Thank you for sharing and being open. You are so wise and humble. You have paid your Karma. You can let it go now and keep up the good work” (as I’ve seen on the comments on your two articles).

“Zen Gardner spent nearly three decades working his way into a leadership position of a child abuse cult. Not only that, but his primary job was that of media chief; in charge of public relations, “image management” and press releases.

– from “When Heroes Fall”

Well, that explains a lot, especially how you have used your “skills” as “PR image manager” to create the persona/mask “Zen Gardner” to cover up the truth and it also explains how you use words and language in your last two articles to vector people away from the truth and even manipulate them. It also has strong overtones of NLP.

Have you seen the documentary “Children Of God: Lost & Found”?

I literally cried almost through the whole film. Regardless if you have seen it or not, I’m sure you MUST be aware of that case. It is made by a kid in his twenties who escaped the cult with some friends. They were all sexually molested, even raped. They had no choice of “joining” the cult as little kids. You joined as a 22-year-old adult out of your own free will.

How come this kid is able to make a documentary and expose it all so early on and you couldn’t do any of that in 17 years? Are you seriously expecting me and others to believe that it took you 17 years to work through the “trauma” you have been subjected to? Well, hold on, according to what you wrote you didn’t see much anyway and weren’t aware of what extent the horrors were, so what “trauma” are we talking about then? Obviously there is the “indoctrination trauma” but me thinks there is way more to it which you are hiding.

And if there was major trauma, obviously you would have needed a professional psychotherapist and cult-trauma expert to work through it. Have you done that? Have you sincerely gone deep within your psyche and uncovered everything? Or maybe you “thought” you have worked through it and healed yourself, but have in fact suppressed and ignored it over the years, using “Zen Gardner” like an alter-personality to avoid facing what Donald Ferguson has seen, experienced, allowed to happen, promoted and potentially participated in?

It also could very well be the case that you compartmentalized stuff, not only to possible trauma you have been subjected to yourself but also to things you may have seen, done and participated in that are extremely shameful and the only way to deal with that is by “forgetting them” and stuffing them back and deep under. This can also result in creating a whole new story of the past to calm yourself and your “conscience” but it is a distortion and lie as opposed to what has actually has happened. This is basic psychology here.

Based on your nervous energy and head-centric living, suppressing unpleasant emotions in the body, I’m sure there must be other “addictions” to avoid feeling conscience essentially, maybe alcohol, or other things. I don’t know, but there is always more to that kind of suppression, selective memory and compartmentalization. Maybe you have even thought of suicide at some point because of the internal pressure, which is never a good “option” and doesn’t heal anything since on a soul level you’ll still have to learn that lesson and heal it next time around. I’m just speculating.

And what about your ex-partner who to  my understanding (connecting the dots) was also in the cult and who left you recently because as she said “she was living a lie”. This goes a little deeper than “co-dependency” issues you have as you told me. Seems also very likely that you two used each other to self-calm and buffer things up, trying to bury and ignore the past until she cracked and couldn’t do it anymore. Again I don’t know the details, just speculating, and connecting possible dots. You tell me what the truth is.

It doesn’t add up Don. You are playing the victim/poor me card based on what you have been through apparently over the past 17 years without mentioning one word during that time while at the same time having one of the most successful “consciousness” websites out there.

Why not come out and tell it all BEFORE you started the Zen Gardner operation? It would have been way more powerful, real and sincere to do this work as an admitted ex-cult member and it would have helped MANY MORE people who really need help, than just weekly blogs about a “collective awakening”. It also would have aided your own healing process, writing as Don Ferguson and not the “Zen Gardner” persona.

I’ve always wondered why you focus so much on this “collective awakening” idea (among other New Age type ideas you publish on your website…..not telling you how to run your site, but some of the articles that are published on your site (not necessarily written by you) make my eyes roll and seem to just have been posted to generate more readership and reach more people, i.e. getting more donations too. Lots of contradicting articles on your site, which show a lack of discernment) which is never going to happen anytime soon and is just a New Age illusion.

Now I realize that you used “Zen Gardner” and your work as a buffer to avoid your own stuff, your own soul; a distraction from the work you need to do on your own before trying to wake up others. You are trying so hard to be love and light and positive and that mask has taken over. You have a gift for words, no doubt, however I can see more and more how you use this gift as “image management” based on your past profession.

And over the years as you got more popular and generated income through your site, you have boxed yourself into a corner, not wanting to lose the “success”, the money and all your followers, some of whom look up to you like a guru who can’t do “wrong” and that is very evident in literally all the comments of your supporters on your two recent articles…and you feed off of it, posting more testimonials of support by others, re-enforcing the buffers. People like Jon are not doing you a favor, nor anyone who says “fuck it and onward”. These are not “friends” in my view. In fact deep down inside they are scared and there is fear. They don’t want to know the ugly truth. They want to keep up that image of “Zen Gardner” and sail into the “awakening” sunrise on a smooth sea. It’s basic psychology as well. If they had to acknowledge that they have been lied to and manipulated by you, they would have to do some self-examination as well and even do more research in these occult practices that traumatized millions of children. It’s not for the faint-hearted and not a pretty picture at all. As Carl Jung said:

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”

Ties also into cognitive dissonance.

I refer to what friendship truly means in light of soul evolution and esoteric self-work in the quote at the beginning of my email. Do you want to be surrounded by people who eat cinnamon buns with you and keep tapping on your shoulder how great of a person you are, or do you want to be surrounded by real friends who also tell you things you may not like to hear but come from a sincere place to help you heal, grow and evolve in light of the evolution of consciousness which your website is all about?

Just wondering, Don?

Nothing against positive re-enforcement and compliments but if we need the constant approval of others to feel good about ourselves and we don’t check each other (be “alarm clocks” for each other as Gurdjieff said), the matrix has us. I would never be where I am now if my close friends, besides their support and encouragement, hadn’t called me out on my own bullshit, blind spots and self-justifications at times. Some of the mirrors I received were extremely hard to take in, but it was necessary to push through the lies I was telling myself…and still the work continues.

In my work over the years, if you have read it, I share my own difficult times, pitfalls, shadow projection, mistakes, hard lessons. etc. But I also owned it all and took full responsibility for it. All these issues and suffering were initiations for me. Of course, nothing even close to what you are dealing with and need to deal with now. God knows I’m not “perfect” nor on the “high, high end of consciousness” and there are still lessons for me to learn in my own awakening/embodiment/emancipation process. I’d expect that someone who is supposedly at the “high, high end of consciousness” would do the same without hesitation and full on jump into the fire of transmutation if you are sincerely interested in TRUTH and want to help others.

“In my experience, everyone will say they want to discover the Truth, right up until they realize that the Truth will rob them of their deepest held ideas, beliefs, hopes, and dreams. The freedom of enlightenment means much more than the experience of love and peace. It means discovering a Truth that will turn your view of self and life upside-down. For one who is truly ready, this will be unimaginably liberating. But for one who is still clinging in any way, this will be extremely challenging indeed. How does one know if they are ready? One is ready when they are willing to be absolutely consumed, when they are willing to be fuel for a fire without end.”

~ Adyashanti

Lastly I want to address some things you wrote in your last article “A Few Replies”. This article in particular was more of a shock to me, Benny and other close friends than even the first one. Not only sad and disappointing but it also pissed me/us off in a healthy righteous anger way not based on projection, for the simple reason that you can’t possibly expect me/us to just believe what you say on face value and not see the manipulation/distraction tactics you engage in:
“I just wanted to get a quick follow up out there as the attacks against me are going viral and people need to see I’m fine and how I see this so far.”

Not everyone is attacking you. Many people are concerned and have valid question, like Benny, me and others…..or do you see this email as an “attack” as well?

“It was what it was and I got out, I tried to expose it then and after and have exposed similar dynamics in all of society ever since. Thankfully I’ve moved into new and amazing awareness and liberation which I will continue to share as effectively as possible no matter what some have decided to think of me.”

Good example of self-calming (lying to yourself) and self-justifying sprinkled with some self-importance (keeping on with your “important mission”) while basically saying it was no big deal anyway that you have been in a sex cult for 27 years including leadership position. “It was what it what it was and I got out,  I tried to expose it”: Seriously? And how exactly did you “try” to expose it?

“It really doesn’t matter.”

It matters a lot and will see that as time goes by and it all depends on how you handle it, be it by continuing avoidance and self-calming, feeding off of other people’s validation that you need to cover up your own shame, or by fully coming out and clean.

“As a good friend wisely said in answer to that email campaign sent out by someone to my private list and the attack articles he’s widely publishing;”

And another needed validation from someone else to make you feel better about yourself and to convince your readers.

“Thanks for your mail. The reason Zen came out with this is that he felt the need to do so as it did not feel good to write and not address this part of his past. He wants to come clean and that is it.“

That’s a lie and not correct. You only felt the “need” to address it all because you were forced to do it. You didn’t do it out of your own will/conscience. I also have not seen any sincere “coming clean” at all, so no, that is not it.

“But maybe there is more about it. I personally don’t think so but who knows.”

Seriously, who is this person who wrote this? Anyone with two neurons firing in the brain and a basic level of awareness and conscience knows and sees that there is way more to it. And if he/she doesn’t know and maybe thinks there is more to it, why not ask questions?

“It is his own stuff he has to deal with and it doesn’t change my view of him at all.”

Sounds like a cult-member accountability-avoidance strategy when the leader/guru’s integrity is questioned.

“No judgement to the external in any way as the only focus I have is trying to understand my innerworld and trying to stay humble and connected and grounded. Judging anything in the external reality is a judgement on parts of the Self anyway. If something in the outside world triggers an emotion in me then that is a indication of attachment and need for healing inside of me and not in the outside world. I can only be thankful to the trigger outside me at that moment for giving me that opportunity.”

I don’t even know what to say about that, other than it is a bunch of distorted New Age/Spiritual half-truths mashed together. Also an over-simplification of Jungian “Shadow/Trigger/Projection” psychology.

“That’s a beautifully conscious response that puts things in their proper perspective, if you ask me.”

If you think that, it shows a lot about your level of (or lack of) (self)-awareness.

“We all move on, hopefully, no matter what mistakes we’ve made in the past.”

Please tell us about those mistakes. We’re not talking about a little “fuck-up”. We ALL have our own mistakes, fuck-ups and “skeletons in the closet”, obviously. We are talking about 27 years in a highly abusive sex cult in leadership position which you joined as an adult. You are really good with this “image management”, being very manipulative with your words (NLP much?) as most of your followers seem to buy into it. Reveal it all and then move on with a clear conscience.

“What’s sadly ironic is when someone leaves the massive military cult and realizes the error of their ways and turns against it they’re treated as heroes, even if they’ve murdered and maimed and a whole host of atrocities. And I agree with that treatment, it’s honorable and they were misled and horribly abused. They enlisted, by their own choice, at a young age and with very idealistic goals, and were brainwashed under duress to obey and follow orders with strong repercussions if they didn’t. Similarly whistleblowers who were once part of corrupt systems are welcomed and encouraged. Very few wake up from the military programming. It would be too hard to face that the horror they committed was for nothing and they were used and abused, lied to and manipulated. Those who do wake up and make a stand, whatever crimes they’ve committed, are celebrated, and rightfully so.The same can be applied to a whole host of hierarchical groups from religions to secret ops and societies to corporate and governmental command structures. The traps are everywhere.How will you treat those who wake up and get out of those? Seems we have some work to do before we can call this a true awakening.”

You are comparing apples and oranges. It’s a deflection and a “red herring” fallacy, distracting from your own stuff. And yes, you have a lot of work to do before speaking about a “true awakening”. Please, speak for yourself, not others or “we”.

“We seem to need someone to go after to release our rage and indignation, as well as fear. Witch hunting and the inquisition are examples of this, while attention was diverted from the horrific oligarchies and corrupt governments and leaders of their times. It speaks to unresolved personal issues in people as well that get triggered by a seemingly easy target, as mentioned in the first quotation.”

This is a tactic “spiritual” guru type sociopaths/psychopaths use (not saying you are one) and also an oversimplification of Jungian shadow psychology by blaming others who have questions and don’t just validate you and give you what you want to hear and turning it around on them; telling them it’s their own personal issues and has nothing to do with you. Sure there are “witch hunters” out there as mentioned in the category one of people before. However, you are generalizing and lumping it all together. By that logic, the only reason why I take a whole day to write this email to you is because of my personal issues projecting on to you. That’s New Age/pop-psychology thinking at its best/worst.

“It’s a sad statement of the human condition.”

Again deflecting from you by making it a “global” and “general”.

“I want to thank all those who’ve sent words of understanding and encouragement, I’ve been overwhelmed with the sensitivity and compassion in the midst of such shocking news.”

Translate: Thank you for helping me in my self-calming avoidance strategy to keep most of it hidden and the buffers in place.

“All this doesn’t diminish anything in my mind, what I’ve said and done and become came from the depths of my heart, and my past experience is largely what propelled me into joining the fray consciously with everything in me in the fight for humanity….People can attach to me any perceived motive or agenda they want, but I mean everything I say, and will continue in my mission.”

Careful with that savior/missionary complex. The Matrix overlords love that kind of “spiritualized” ego “loosh.”

“Some want more details and more groveling, an attitude is insatiable and extremely misdirected and coming from an unhealthy place as far as I’m concerned, and it’s very sad to see……And for those with a morbid fascination for details and think I owe it to them, you need to do some serious self examination. I’ll say what I want to say and you can just wait. No doubt there will be a lot coming out as this is a perfect avenue to help the many who’ve suffered under similar circumstances. But I don’t owe you anything, you’re again coming from a very perverse and misguided way of thinking.”

Bullshit, Donald. This part in particular pissed Benny and me off. Not because we project anger on you but because it’s simply nonsense. Basically you are saying that Benny’s, my and other people’s questions come from an “unhealthy place” because we get off on the details and feed off of it (morbid fascination )? Nonsense. This is not fun for me. I have other and better things to do, but conscience is asking me to go there as it has nudged me to go into many dark places, within and without to uncover truth within and without over the years, to expose, heal and transmute. I spent all Sunday researching COG. And no, it was not fun at all. I got physically sick with stomach cramps and even had a cancel a client and just rest. I know others, including Benny who have felt the same. We are not doing this because we are some kind of “perverse masochists” which is what you’re hinting at.

By stating that you are basically saying that my email and questions I (and others) have is coming from a pathological place. That’s another tactic pathological people actually use, turn it around on the other person, just as mentioned before, blaming others for asking questions and basically calling them sick. It’s also a projection from your own “sickness” you haven’t healed yet. And it’s also a form of “gas-lighting”. The Wetiko virus from Paul Levy’s work comes to mind here.

“It’s not easy finding out who you’re friends really are and having people you intimately trusted turn on you, but these kinds of things come out under pressure, just like my disclosure.”

You call these two short articles “disclosure”?…and “friends”?:

“According to the Great Work, a friend is one in which you support and encourage the other’s expansion in either the mind or the spirit. Otherwise they are people you are sentimentally attached to it because they would eat cinnamon bun with you. And they will say ‘hee, hee, hee’ aren’t we having fun”. Drug addicts do the same thing. Drug addicts want to be around people who will support them and be away from real friends. Do you know why? Because it feels good. To be a member of a mystery school can be catastrophic to the ego and to the ego’s habits and to the propensity for mediocrity. No one ever cried striving for excellence. They only cried when their mediocrity was taken away from them and pointed out to them.” – Jerhoam

“We’re supposed to be following the path of truth, not people and projections we throw up to give our own sense of responsibility away.“

Are YOU following the path of “truth”?

This is your opportunity, your calling, Don. It’s up to you how you handle it from now on. As for now all I see is the classical “refusal of the call” while you lie to yourself (and others) that you are actually doing it and are “clean” now and don’t “owe” anything to anyone. No, you do owe it to yourself, your real self, Don Ferguson. Let go of Zen Gardner. You have been hiding behind that mask for way too long. I also realized that I don’t really know who you are. Yes we had a couple of Skypes and message exchanges, which were nice and inspiring, sure, but there is more to friendship and walking the “warrior path of truth” than intellectual conversations, musings and writings.

It also should be obvious that I care for you otherwise I wouldn’t have taken a whole day to write all this down. If it would be anyone else, I’d be more like “whatever, here goes another one” and keep focusing on my own work. What do I really have to gain by writing this to you? Nothing and I have no agenda. But this is bigger than you seem to be aware of or can acknowledge to yourself. This is not going away and it is also very damaging to the whole “truth movement”, if there is such thing anyway. This also works in favor of the Matrix and it is working through you. Who knows want entities you are still hooked into and battling with based on 27 years in that cult anyway? I haven’t even touched on the hyperdimensional aspect of all that.

As direct and to the point my email is, it also comes from a place of support, hence I contact you personally first and don’t make this public. However, at some point there may or will come a point where I will have to make a public statement about all that since many people ask me about it and know of our connection. The way this is going to come about really depends on you. As I said, I’m not interested in a witch hunt or public shaming but I’m also not interested in offering you “cinnamon buns” just to make you feel good and tell you stuff as Jon did (which is quite irresponsible, imo) or any of your fans on your site with their New Age/spiritual bypassing comments.

Personally speaking, I await your reply, but only in person on Skype video, eye to eye. No email or messages. I can see how you hide behind written words. It’s not working on me.

Bernhard

Appendix:

A couple of quotes/writings for you to reflect on:

“Self-Calming is the process of pushing aside thoughts or emotions that are uncomfortable. This is a pervasive characteristic of the human condition and is found at many levels. In the most basic sense, self-calming takes place when one rationalizes and self-justifies actions or inactions which one is not comfortable with. This amounts to putting one’s conscience to sleep. This action is opposed to consciousness or conscience and is a way of furthering sleep. Systematic self-calming makes buffers.”

“Gurdjieff began one of the following talks with the fact that we forget about the difficulties of our position. “You often think in a very naive way,” he said. “You already think you can do. To get rid of this conviction is more difficult than anything else for a man. You do not understand all the complexity of your organization and you do not realize that every effort, in addition to the results desired, even if it gives these, gives thousands of unexpected and often undesirable results, and the chief thing that you forget is that you are not beginning from the beginning with a nice clean, new machine.

There stand behind you many years of a wrong and stupid life, of indulgence in every kind of weakness, of shutting your eyes to your own errors, of striving to avoid all unpleasant truths, of constant lying to yourselves, of self-justification, of blaming others, and so on, and so on. All this cannot help affecting the machine. The machine is dirty, in places it is rusty, and in some places artificial appliances have been formed, the necessity for which has been created by its own wrong way of working. These artificial appliances will now interfere very much with all your good intentions.

They are called ‘buffers.’

‘Buffer’ is a term which requires special explanation. We know what buffers on railway carriages are. They are the contrivances which lessen the shock when carriages or trucks strike one another. If there were no buffers the shock of one carriage against another would be very unpleasant and dangerous. Buffers soften the results of these shocks and render them unnoticeable and imperceptible.

Exactly the same appliances are to be found within man. They are created, not by nature but by man himself, although involuntarily. The cause of their appearance is the existence in man of many contradictions; contradictions of opinions, feelings, sympathies, words, and actions. If a man throughout the whole of his life were to feel all the contradictions that are within him he could not live and act as calmly as he lives and acts now. He would have constant friction, constant unrest. We fail to see how contradictory and hostile the different I’s of our personality are to one another.

If a man were to feel all these contradictions he would feel what he really is. He would feel that he is mad. It is not pleasant to anyone to feel that he is mad. Moreover, a thought such as this deprives a man of self-confidence, weakens his energy, deprives him of ‘self-respect.’ Somehow or other he must master this thought or banish it. He must either destroy contradictions or cease to see and to feel them. A man cannot destroy contradictions. But if ‘buffers’ are created in him he can cease to feel them and he will not feel the impact from the clash of contradictory views, contradictory emotions, contradictory words.

‘Buffers’ are created slowly and gradually. Very many ‘buffers’ are created artificially through ‘education.’ Others are created under the hypnotic influence of all surrounding life. A man is surrounded by people who live, speak, think, and feel by means of ‘buffers.’ Imitating them in their opinions, actions, and words, a man involuntarily creates similar ‘buffers’ in himself. ‘Buffers’ make a man’s life more easy. It is very hard to live without ‘buffers.’ But they keep man from the possibility of inner development because ‘buffers’ are made to lessen shocks and it is only shocks that can lead a man out of the state in which he lives, that is, waken him. ‘Buffers’ lull a man to sleep, give him the agreeable and peaceful sensation that all will be well, that no contradictions exist and that he can sleep in peace. ‘Buffers’ are appliances by means of -which a man can always be in the right. ‘Buffers’ help a man not to feel his conscience.

Conscience’ is again a term that needs explanation.
In ordinary life the concept ‘conscience’ is taken too simply. As if we had a conscience. Actually the concept ‘conscience’ in the sphere of the emotions is equivalent to the concept ‘consciousness’ in the sphere of the intellect. And as we have no consciousness we have no conscience.

Consciousness is a state in which a man knows all at once everything that he in general knows and in which he can see how little he does know and how many contradictions there are in what he knows.

Conscience is a state in which a man feels all at once everything that he in general feels, or can feel. And as everyone has within him thousands of contradictory feelings which vary from a deeply hidden realization of his own nothingness and fears of all kinds to the most stupid kind of self-conceit, self-confidence, self-satisfaction, and self-praise, to feel all this together would not only be painful but literally unbearable.

If a man whose entire inner world is composed of contradictions were suddenly to feel all these contradictions simultaneously within himself, if he were to feel all at once that he loves everything he hates and hates everything he loves; that he lies when he tells the truth and that he tells the truth when he lies; and if he could feel the shame and horror of it all, this would be the state which is called ‘conscience’. A man cannot live in this state; he must either destroy contradictions or destroy conscience. He cannot destroy conscience, but if he cannot destroy it he can put it to sleep, that is, he can separate by impenetrable barriers one feeling of self from another, never see them together, never feel their incompatibility, the absurdity of one existing alongside another.

But fortunately for man, that is, for his peace and for his sleep, this state of conscience is very rare. From early childhood ‘buffers’ begin to grow and strengthen in him, taking from him the possibility of seeing his inner contradictions and therefore, for him, there is no danger whatever of a sudden awakening. Awakening is possible only for those who seek it and want it, for those who are ready to struggle with themselves and work on themselves for a very long time and very persistently in order to attain it. For this it is necessary to destroy ‘buffers,’ that is, to go out to meet all those inner sufferings which are connected with the sensations of contradictions. Moreover the destruction of ‘buffers’ in itself requires very long work and a man must agree to this work realizing that the result of his work will be every possible discomfort and suffering from the awakening of his conscience.

But conscience is the fire which alone can fuse all the powders in the glass retort which was mentioned before and create the unity which a man lacks in that state in which he begins to study himself.”

– Gurdjieff, quoted by P.D. Ouspensky in “In Search of the Miraculous”

“Your “appreciation of yourself” blinds you. It is the biggest obstacle to a new life. You must be able to get over this obstacle, this threshold, before going further. This test divides men into two kinds: the “wheat” and the “chaff.” No matter how intelligent, how gifted, how brilliant a man may be, if he does not change his appreciation of himself, there will be no hope for an inner development, for a work toward self-knowledge, for a true becoming. He will remain such as he is all his life. The first requirement, the first condition, the first test for one who wishes to work on himself is to change his appreciation of himself. He must not imagine, not simply believe or think, but see things in himself which he has never seen before, see them actually. His appreciation will never be able to change as long as he sees nothing in himself. And in order to see, he must learn to see; this is the first initiation of man into self-knowledge.

Today we have nothing but the illusion of what we are. We think too highly of ourselves. We do not respect ourselves. In order to respect myself, I have to recognize a part in myself which is above the other parts, and my attitude toward this part should bear witness to the respect that I have for it. In this way I shall respect myself. And my relations with others will be governed by the same respect.

You must understand that all the other measures-talent, education, culture, genius-are changing measures, measures of detail. The only exact measure, the only unchanging, objective real measure is the measure of inner vision. I see-I see myself-by this, you have measured. With one higher real part, you have measured another lower part, also real. And this measure, defining by itself the role of each part, will lead you to respect for yourself.

But you will see that it is not easy. And it is not cheap. You must pay dearly. For bad payers, lazy people, parasites, no hope. You must pay, pay a lot, and pay immediately, pay in advance. Pay with yourself. By sincere, conscientious, disinterested efforts. The more you are prepared to pay without economizing, without cheating, without any falsification, the more you will receive. And from that time on you will become acquainted with your nature. And you will see all the tricks, all the dishonesties that your nature resorts to in order to avoid paying “hard cash”. Because you have to pay with your ready-made theories, with your rooted convictions, with your prejudices, your conventions, your “I like” and “I don´t like.” Without bargaining, honestly, without pretending. Trying “sincerely” to see as you offer your counterfeit money.

Try for a moment to accept the idea that you are not what you believe yourself to be, that you overestimate yourself, in fact that you lie to yourself. That you always lie to yourself every moment, all day, all your life. That this lying rules you to such an extent that you cannot control it any more. You are the prey of lying. You lie, everywhere. Your relations with others-lies. The upbringing you give, the conventions-lies. Your teaching-lies. Your theories, your art lies. Your social life, your family life-lies. And what you think of yourself-lies also. But you never stop yourself in what you are doing or in what you are saying because you believe in yourself.

You must stop inwardly and observe. Observe without preconceptions, accepting for a time this idea of lying. And if you observe in this way, paying with yourself, without self-pity, giving up all your supposed riches for a moment of reality, perhaps you will suddenly see something you have never before seen in yourself until this day. You will see that you are different from what you think you are. You will see that you are two. One who is not, but takes the place and plays the role of the other. And one who is, yet so weak, so insubstantial, that he no sooner appears than he immediately disappears. He cannot endure lies. The least lie makes him faint away. He does not struggle, he does not resist, he is defeated in advance. Learn to look until you have seen the difference between your two natures, until you have seen the lies, the deception in yourself. When you have seen your two natures, that day, in yourself, the truth will be born.”

– from ‘First Initiation’ by Mme Jeanne de Salzmann

[end of email]


Resources and further reading/watching:

– “My Missing Years” by Zen Gardner

– “A Few Replies” by Zen Gardner

– “The Cult of Zen Gardner” by Steve Seymour (lots of resources in that article)

– “An Open Letter to Don Ferguson – aka Zen Gardner” by Steve Seymour

– “What’s Growing in Zens Garden?

– “When Heroes Fall

– “Spiritual Con-Artistry and Chicanery

– Children Of God – Lost & Found – Full Documentary:

– Children of God (Good short video expose – young woman who were born into the COG and what happened to them growing up):

– Tony Robbins – I am not your Guru (Please watch this video from 50:00 to 58:00 to see what The Children of God cult does to people):

UPDATE August 24, 2016

This is my final take on the Zen Gardner/Don Ferguson situation for the time being. I’m swamped with emails and messages I have to get back to plus I need to focus on my own work.

The vast majority of emails and messages I have received are from people who understood where I was coming from and what my point/intention of this article was, and most importantly what the real issue is here. I made it very clear that I’m not interested in a “witch hunt” nor in playing into the avoidance-of-accountability-sprinkled-with-New Age- Spiritual-Bypass-game. I’m interested in truth, whatever it may be.

The many emails and messages I received since I wrote that “open letter”, (more than ever before and frankly I didn’t expect it at all) were about how clear, grounded, rational and balanced my article was and that it was needed to call ZG out on his obvious avoidance and lack of accountability. More importantly, I have received emails (which I won’t share for obvious privacy reasons) from several women who have suffered sexual abuse in childhood, one woman who was in the COG cult and others in similar cults, who thanked me for speaking out since it helped them to open up and “felt heard” without shame/guilt which is most often the reason why cult/sexually abused victims don’t speak out….which brings me to the question some people ask “Where are the victims? Let them come out and don’t judge ZG if there are no victims accusing him!”

Anyone who says that has no understanding of trauma psychology and the guilt and shame sexually abused people are dealing with, let alone how some of them are programmed and mind controlled in a cult that has CIA, MKUltra and high government involvement written as all over, as Dawn/Sol shared when she finally had the strength and courage to speak up at the Tony Robbin’s event (see in article above). One woman wrote me a lengthy email about her experience in sex-cult like like situation (where even her own mother gave her away to be sexually abused), being gang-raped by men over and over, starting at 6 year old. Reading my and other’s articles about this case inspired her to write more about her experience and now she wants to start her own blog about sexual abuse and sharing her own healing journey to help other women like her. With this artilcle and other’s of the same kind, I/we have given a voice to the voiceless which is more than evident in all the emails and messages I have received from the real victims, especially from women.

And that is what really matters here: the true victims of sexual abuse, SRA and cult pedophilia.

It has nothing to do with a witch-hunt or creating division in the “truth movement”. It’s about conscience. Personally I don’t even like to use this term “truth movement”. Too many people hide behind that and forget the whole point. The Time of Transition is about the Individual and most importantly our inner work to become embodied spiritual sovereign human beings and the work entails to make the darkness conscious within and without. No leaders, no gurus, no groups or movements. I have written about that before as well. People may not agree with that but that is where i stand, also based on having worked with thousands of people one-on-one over the past 15 years.

What people do with this information is up to them and is not in my hands. As I said, do your OWN research, ask questions and don’t just take things on “face value” based on what ZG said and has written. If some people project hate on ZG, that’s their game. I don’t. I warn against that as well, for that is what the Matrix overlords feed off of well, as I’ve written about before.. In fact I have no “negative feelings” towards ZG, simply because I do not know who he actually is anymore other than the public persona he has created and secondly this goes way deeper than ZG himself. He may be (most likely) under the control of forces he has no conscious awareness of.

As I said, I haven’t even touched on the hyperdimensional aspect of it all, which is another big layer and can of worms in itself. Other researchers have uncovered even more disturbing information, regarding MKUltra and high level government involvement and it will all unravel in time. However, that doesn’t mean that we should all just be “nice” and “fluffy” because sometimes we need “fiery compassion” and not fall into the trap of “blind compassion”. Personally I know I did my best to reach him but he still plays his “game” of avoidance. As I also said, this is his “initiation” and opportunity to do the right thing but he desperately clings to the ZG persona he has created and in his own words, he “won’t back down”.

I say it again, if there is some true conscience left in Don and true humility and actually true Love, he would stop calling himself Zen, taker a break from his website, take time for his own healing process away form the internet and come out as Don Ferguson, laying it all out, everything he knows about the COG cult 27 years of involvement in leadership position. He would expose them/it all and also take FULL responsibility for what he has done, possibly engaged in or supported without playing the victim card and being vague or projecting on the people like me and others who point out the obvious elephants in the room. That would be an act of true love, compassion, service and conscience, because that would help the true victims here and is not about himself anymore. And that’s what true “whistleblowing” would actually be and that is what I would def. support. But so far it’s only white-washing and avoidance.

I recommend reading Paul Levy’s article on Marc Garni. There are similarities in that case with what is happening with ZG, especially with regards to the people defending him without questioning and how wetiko is working through them. This is in particular addressed in the section “VICTIMIZER DISGUISED AS THE VICTIM”:
– When the Most Awake Among Us Fall Asleep: Marc Gafni, His Supporters and Wetiko

Here’s another article that also points out the obvious red flags in Zen’s articles that show wetiko working through him exactly as Paul Levey pointed out in his article on Marc Garni. If people don’t see anything wrong with these statements (and this is just a small section, since there is way more of that in his articles and his recent interview on CCN) then they are also under the spell of wetiko, which ties into the hyper dimensional matrix and hidden forces working though people. Regular readers of my work/website know what I’m talking about:

“Below are some quotes I extracted from Zen Gardner’s reply. Notice how he beats up and puts down those who require truth and accountability (us). And more than enough kettle/black. Can’t believe how so many look up to him and am really upset with those who are covering for him by not covering this issue or by making excuses for him. Forgiveness is wonderful, but when it’s premature it’s enabling:
“…I have no need to defend myself.”…”It really doesn’t matter.”
“They have their issues to work out just as I do.”
“We seem to need someone to go after to release our rage and indignation, as well as fear. Witch hunting and the inquisition are examples of this…”
“I won’t bend or back down, there’s no reason to. Some want more details and more grovelling, an attitude is insatiable and extremely misdirected and coming from an unhealthy place as far as I’m concerned…”
“It’s not easy finding out who you’re friends really are and having people you intimately trusted turn on you…
“…I give it my best shot and don’t sit on the sidelines criticizing those who act.”
“And for those with a morbid fascination for details and think I owe it to them, you need to do some serious self examination. … But I don’t owe you anything, you’re again coming from a very perverse and misguided way of thinking.”
“And if this offends anyone, tough.” “I’m a very free man, free of guilt and shame, and owe no apologies.””

– from http://galacticconnection.com/zen-gardner-forgiven-too-soon/

Personally I have noting more to add to this topic. As I mentioned before, from a bigger picture perspective it all ties into the Timeline-Reality split and “unveiling” we are currently experiencing during this Time of Transition. More on that here:
– TIMELINE-REALITY SPLIT, FREQUENCY VIBRATION, AND THE HIDDEN FORCES OF LIFE

On that note, anyone who is new to my website, please familiarize yourself with my work over the years to see where I’m coming from……especially before projecting on to me and making assumptions. Then you will also see that I’m far from “perfect”, have made “mistakes” and have shared the harder lessons I had to learn……and the learning still continues…..for all of us. However, let’s not compare apples and oranges here. I don’t claim to be “awake” nor on the “high, high end of consciousness”.

On a final note, here’s an email I received today from the documentary maker ZG mentioned on his CCN interview he said he would work with and what ZG has told me before as well. It speaks for itself:

Subject: I was the former Hare Krishna mentioned by Zen

Message: Hi Bernhard,

“You must be getting a gazillion emails around your excellent articles on the Zengardener fiasco, I’m writing to you as it was your nuanced, thoughtful open letter to ‘Don’ that spurred me to pivot an about face with him, I was the former Hare Krishna documentary filmmaker he mentioned on the bizarre Angela Powers Disney interview, I was taken aback he mentioned a potential collaboration as we only exchanged one email where i did give my support to him based on his then one article.

I had not done proper research and due diligence, it was my first contact with him after like you, not jiving with his blog for a while and yet I wanted to offer support if he was indeed coming clean, we had one email exchange, a brief idea to do a documentary on our long time cult experiences was floated, it was interesting that he addressed me as ‘brother’ and “I feel like I’ve known you my while life’ kind of classic NLP techniques which he’s very good at with the pen, not so much face to face it seems.

Thank you for taking the time to publish your incredibly insightful and well researched open letter to Don, I didn’t read it until after watching that bizarre interview, between his narcissistic victim/hero posturing and Ms Power’s chainsmoking softball questions, it was almost like watching a surreal sketch comedy piece, unfortunately, it’s no laughing matter that Don is so obviously hiding many secrets where children and women’s lives were destroyed either as direct participant or as spin doctor for the cult.

It was so interesting that little blip about Mr Seymor’s essential blackmail was glossed over in a hurry, he nervously tried to spin it and quickly flipped it unto another tangent, I’m in complete agreement with you on all observations about his behavior, I;m positive he never would have come out if it wasn’t for Mr Seymore’s threat, it’s obvious he’s done little if any deep therapy around his cult experience which is a must and is still ongoing for me, 20 years removed nor has he any grounding in his body or real affinity for sacred earth healing.magic which has always been one of the many the red flag’s around his blog, little if any conversations about deep healing with our sacred earth mother or real solutions to top down corporate control via local community, permaculture principles and the real kicker, developing deep earth based, whole body practices whether they be through shamanic training, Druid or pagan principles or simply taking a stand to grow ones food and develop a holistic lifestyle, this and token articles on deep shadow work, which you have done a great job at addressing in your writing, has been MIA from his blog.
Your one of the few in the conscious community who does ‘straight talk’ exposing this insidious, passive new age speak that hobbles so many from really getting into the deep shadow work that’s essential before moving unto a real whole body spiritual life. Blessed be Bernhard!”