5 Ways To Improve Your Relationships | TCM #89 (Part 1)

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Relationships have become more challenging for many people. In this episode, Bernhard and Laura share five fundamental ways to improve all your relationships. They discuss the necessity for Animus/Anima integration, how healing from developmental trauma is key to healthy relationships, and the biologically-based core needs that are essential to our physical and emotional well-being to thrive in life and relationships. Furthermore, they provide practical tips and reflective questions to help you create and attract better relationships.

Show Notes Part 1:

• Learning the art of listening and communication skills
• The trap of overly isolating yourself and denial of the need for a relationship
• 3 parts to work on: each individual on themselves and the relationship
• There’s a difference between unfulfilled childhood needs we try to get met from our partner as opposed to healthy adult needs
• Attachment styles, self-awareness
• Differentiation, vulnerability, taking responsibility
• The 5 A’s – and how this teaches you how to be more mature in relationships
• Attention/acceptance/appreciation/affection/allowing – begin as needs to be fulfilled by our parents and then become needs fulfilled by our partners and become gifts we give to others in the world
• Attention = attunement. We cannot attune if we assume certain feelings; we need to be neutral and mindful; it requires genuine interest and curiosity.
• Don’t be furious; be curious
• Acceptance: you’re embraced as worthy, and you approve and validate the person – not trying to change your partner in something you want. It validates someone even if you do not agree.
• Appreciation: gives depth to acceptance; you admire, respect, and appreciate the person as unique. We need this for self-worth and confidence. Appreciation and gratitude go hand in hand – daily double
• The ratio of appreciation to a complaint in couples that stay together is 5 -1
• Beneath every complaint is a lack of the 5 A’s
• Affection is loving touch, physical touch, and embrace. Compassion is a form of affection
• Allowing: allowing the other person to be themselves, non-controlling

In Part 2 (only for members) we go deeper into:

• Anima/Animus projections and how it determines who we attract and are attracted to
• The alchemical marriage of the inner male and female
• The four stages of Anima/Animus projections and integration
• Developmental Trauma and how it affects our relationships
• Type 1 single-incident traumas, what we refer to as shock trauma
• Type 2 prolonged, interpersonal traumas, what we refer to as complex trauma C-PTSD
• Complex trauma results from chronic, long-term exposure to relational and emotional trauma in which an individual has little or no control
• Relational and emotional trauma leads to profound changes in neurological development and functioning, which causes significant problems in a person’s life
• C-PTSD is being used as a catch-all for both ongoing interpersonal trauma for children and adults and the impacts of childhood trauma on adults
• Relational Model™(NARM) recognizes five biologically based core needs that are essential to our physical and emotional well-being: the need for connection, attunement, trust, autonomy, and love-sexuality
• These patterns of survival adaptation were created as a way to resolve the core dilemma. They are based on a foreclosing of one’s authentic Self to protect against attachment loss, which is experienced as the loss of love in the universe.
• When a child’s needs and feelings threaten their caregivers and environment, the only choice is to disconnect from core aspects of the Self.
• The adaptive survival styles shape the way children – and later adults – organize, filter, and respond to their life experience
• Shame-based Identification
• The capacity of our connection with another depends on the depth of connection we are capable of within ourselves.
• Reflective questions and practical tips

Go HERE to listen to Part 2 if you’re a member or REGISTER to become a member to have access to the membership section (including the membership forum.)

[Intro and outro music clip by Seeded Vision]